MTTP - Metro Travelers Training Programme

After the recent fare hike of Metro, I decided to enroll myself into the newly started Certificate Programme for amateur metro commuters to brush up my amateur metro travelling skills. This 1 day training programme was attended by people from all sects, age groups, college going youth and elderly people. The programme was also open to daily commuters and first time travelers/tourists/users of Metro. The session wise detailed description of the programme is as follows:

Session 1 – Elbow Pushing and Smacking Management 

The morning session focused on enhancing pushing and kicking skills. The speaker for this session was a retired metro commuter who travelled furiously in the Yellow Line for 6 years. He taught participants how to dislodge the queue before the arrival of train by suddenly penetrating from nowhere and banging the train’s door from the middle.

The instructor also taught participants the art of smacking and pushing frantically the person ahead in queue using both the elbows, palms and fists. The session was vital for commuters from Kashmere Gate and Rajiv Chowk as commuters at this station had become tired of requesting each other to board and de-board the train politely.

Curious participants also raised questions whether they can use their legs to kick the next person?, if yes then how? One university going student expressed his frustration over such happenings with his girl friend which had compelled her to travel in that outrageous “Ladies” coach (Reserved). This distance between both of them brought their relationship on the verge of break up.

An elderly participant whose daily travel itinerary included only 5 stations demanded a reserved coach for senior citizens with facility of “Taash Ke Patto ki Gaddi” being given with token for free. Another elder participant expressed his displeasure of not being allowed to smoke Bidi and Spit Paan inside the metro. He made a special request to the instructor to convey it to the higher authorities for opening Khokkas and Gutka Shops inside the stations. The instructor noted all demands patiently. He assured the participants that their demands would be fulfilled if they do not agitate against the recent fare hikes at Jantar Mantar.

Eventually the session had to be halted for “Sutta” break as the demand for “reservation” from few dominant elderly people led to the heated debate inside the classroom which culminated in few elbow and fist pushes between dominant and weaker participants. One female participant said “This classroom is perfect learning place”.

After the sutta break, session focused on various defenses and tactics to be used while travelling like peeping into each other’s mobiles, strategies of entering with a girl in an unreserved coach at RC and KG during peak hours, sitting effectively on the floor, etc. The instructor also demonstrated the class on how to act asleep when some needy person asks for the seat. The session ended with instructor thanking the class for giving him the opportunity to share his precious travel experience in last few years before his retirement when he did nothing in the office and focused on gossiping and bitching in the metro. He also requested the class to video-call him if they need any live help on pushing and smacking people while travelling in the metro. 

Session 2 – Sophisticated Abusing Techniques

This particular session was included on the special request of a particular set of participants during the application phase. A few commuters expressed their concern on the deteriorating quality of abusive language used by the commuters.

Their complaints had already made the headlines at all media channels. The instructor noted that now people have started using slangs like Dog, Bitch, etc along with the phrases like can’t you see? What are you doing? Why are you pushing? while commuting in the metro. He stressed the need to promote Hindi as the common speaking language. He further added that abuses in English don’t have any impact in maintaining societal order inside the metro.

A cool dude participant requested for making special announcements for using “O beh#nc##d, Be##n K L##e, etc along with the phrases like Sale Dhakka kyu de raha hai, Teri Be##n ki, Arey ander ho na, Ye jagah kya apne baap ke liye rakhi hai.

A feminazi woman representative from Metro Women Commuters Association expressed her annoyance with the first time travelers who infiltrate the women coach because of their lack of knowledge. She requested to make it compulsory for people from poor states to complete diploma in metro travelling and learn fluent if they wish to travel in the metro. The instructor suggested feminazis to use sophisticated phrases like what the fuck is he doing here? Who the hell is he to stand here? Am gonna call the cops?to scare them off    

The training programme was also attended by few couples who were agitated due to lack of public places for romance in the city. A young couple demanded the corner twin seat in every metro coach to be reserved only for couples. At the same time, instructor consoled the couple by playing the recent videos of young couples who were able to make out in the metro even without having that twin seat.

A participant in the mid forties (Naughty forties) was curious to know the usage of fingers and nails in case of emergency. The participant demanded the instructor to teach the art of “Baal Nochna”. The instructor agreed to the demand. He divided the class into the pairs and asked each other to practice this art. The session had to be halted when one candidate lost his newly transplanted hair as his partner pulled the hair with intensive force.   

The detailed description of two more sessions will be posted next Monday.

Thanks

Aashish Arora

An Amateur Metro Commuter