MTTP - Metro Travelers Training Programme

After the recent fare hike of Metro, I decided to enroll myself into the newly started Certificate Programme for amateur metro commuters to brush up my amateur metro travelling skills. This 1 day training programme was attended by people from all sects, age groups, college going youth and elderly people. The programme was also open to daily commuters and first time travelers/tourists/users of Metro. The session wise detailed description of the programme is as follows:

Session 1 – Elbow Pushing and Smacking Management 

The morning session focused on enhancing pushing and kicking skills. The speaker for this session was a retired metro commuter who travelled furiously in the Yellow Line for 6 years. He taught participants how to dislodge the queue before the arrival of train by suddenly penetrating from nowhere and banging the train’s door from the middle.

The instructor also taught participants the art of smacking and pushing frantically the person ahead in queue using both the elbows, palms and fists. The session was vital for commuters from Kashmere Gate and Rajiv Chowk as commuters at this station had become tired of requesting each other to board and de-board the train politely.

Curious participants also raised questions whether they can use their legs to kick the next person?, if yes then how? One university going student expressed his frustration over such happenings with his girl friend which had compelled her to travel in that outrageous “Ladies” coach (Reserved). This distance between both of them brought their relationship on the verge of break up.

An elderly participant whose daily travel itinerary included only 5 stations demanded a reserved coach for senior citizens with facility of “Taash Ke Patto ki Gaddi” being given with token for free. Another elder participant expressed his displeasure of not being allowed to smoke Bidi and Spit Paan inside the metro. He made a special request to the instructor to convey it to the higher authorities for opening Khokkas and Gutka Shops inside the stations. The instructor noted all demands patiently. He assured the participants that their demands would be fulfilled if they do not agitate against the recent fare hikes at Jantar Mantar.

Eventually the session had to be halted for “Sutta” break as the demand for “reservation” from few dominant elderly people led to the heated debate inside the classroom which culminated in few elbow and fist pushes between dominant and weaker participants. One female participant said “This classroom is perfect learning place”.

After the sutta break, session focused on various defenses and tactics to be used while travelling like peeping into each other’s mobiles, strategies of entering with a girl in an unreserved coach at RC and KG during peak hours, sitting effectively on the floor, etc. The instructor also demonstrated the class on how to act asleep when some needy person asks for the seat. The session ended with instructor thanking the class for giving him the opportunity to share his precious travel experience in last few years before his retirement when he did nothing in the office and focused on gossiping and bitching in the metro. He also requested the class to video-call him if they need any live help on pushing and smacking people while travelling in the metro. 

Session 2 – Sophisticated Abusing Techniques

This particular session was included on the special request of a particular set of participants during the application phase. A few commuters expressed their concern on the deteriorating quality of abusive language used by the commuters.

Their complaints had already made the headlines at all media channels. The instructor noted that now people have started using slangs like Dog, Bitch, etc along with the phrases like can’t you see? What are you doing? Why are you pushing? while commuting in the metro. He stressed the need to promote Hindi as the common speaking language. He further added that abuses in English don’t have any impact in maintaining societal order inside the metro.

A cool dude participant requested for making special announcements for using “O beh#nc##d, Be##n K L##e, etc along with the phrases like Sale Dhakka kyu de raha hai, Teri Be##n ki, Arey ander ho na, Ye jagah kya apne baap ke liye rakhi hai.

A feminazi woman representative from Metro Women Commuters Association expressed her annoyance with the first time travelers who infiltrate the women coach because of their lack of knowledge. She requested to make it compulsory for people from poor states to complete diploma in metro travelling and learn fluent if they wish to travel in the metro. The instructor suggested feminazis to use sophisticated phrases like what the fuck is he doing here? Who the hell is he to stand here? Am gonna call the cops?to scare them off    

The training programme was also attended by few couples who were agitated due to lack of public places for romance in the city. A young couple demanded the corner twin seat in every metro coach to be reserved only for couples. At the same time, instructor consoled the couple by playing the recent videos of young couples who were able to make out in the metro even without having that twin seat.

A participant in the mid forties (Naughty forties) was curious to know the usage of fingers and nails in case of emergency. The participant demanded the instructor to teach the art of “Baal Nochna”. The instructor agreed to the demand. He divided the class into the pairs and asked each other to practice this art. The session had to be halted when one candidate lost his newly transplanted hair as his partner pulled the hair with intensive force.   

The detailed description of two more sessions will be posted next Monday.

Thanks

Aashish Arora

An Amateur Metro Commuter

Reflections from the field

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Sharing an old piece of extract which I wrote as my Block Field Work Report of Uttrakhand during its 2013 Flash Floods 

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“Natural disasters strike without notice. With changing climate, fear of extreme rain and variable weather events will now intensify—all these will make our world even more vulnerable and more hazardous”.

Every year, Uttarakhand receives pilgrims in thousands for Char Dham yatra—Gangotri, Yamunotri, Kedarnath and Badrinath. It also receives heavy rains and suffers floods. But the loss (both physical and life) the region has suffered this time is horrifying and terrible.

It is believed that a massive landslide occurred upstream in the north-east region of the Kedarnath valley. Heavy rainfall occurred at the same time formed a small lake in the north-west of the valley. The debris from the landslide and water from the lake travelled down the slope, channelled into the glacier, and came down to Kedarnath town.

Every time a natural disaster occurs, exacerbated by human mismanagement of the environment, we are caught on the wrong foot. Worse, government agencies make every possible excuse to shift blame. In all this, we lose precious human lives.

In Uttarakhand, a messy process of development that went back many years intensifies the effects of this extreme rain. Extensive deforestation of mountain tracts by the state and more recently due to development projects led to soil erosion and water run-off, thus de-stabilizing mountain slopes and contributing to more intense and frequent landslides and floods. Unchecked hill tourism has resulted in the huge growth of vehicular traffic, spread of roads not suitable to this mountainous terrain, and the construction of poorly designed and unregulated hotels and structures, many near rivers. Sand mining along river banks has intensified water flows into rivers. 

The construction and planning of hundreds of small, medium and large dams across have de-stabilised an already fragile ecosystem and threatened biodiversity. A staggering 680 dams are in various stages of planning, or construction in Uttarakhand alone. These dams have a direct connection with the extent of the damage that can be caused in such flooding events, in that the tunnelling and excavation in the so-called run-of-the-river projects cause huge and unregulated dumping of excavated debris into ­river basins, leading to increased siltation, and in turn aggravating the flood situation.

Tourism in the state has increased by 168 per cent (213 per cent according to the Uttarakhand tourism department) over the past 12 years. According to Chamber of Commerce and Industry (PHDCCI), a Delhi based body of industries, tourism contributes about 27 per cent or Rs 26,500 crore to Uttarakhand’s gross state domestic product (GSDP). The result of unchecked tourism in the state is evident in the time of recent disaster when tragedy struck. Tourism is unsustainable in the state as ever-increasing pilgrimage puts immense pressure on resources.  The impact of the floods on Uttarakhand’s tourism leads to larger questions of what kind of development Himalayan States should pursue in the future. Before looking into that, it is important to understand the nature of the rainfall that makes the landslides happen in the State.

The families which were dependent on religious tourism for much of their annual income is compounded by the fact that the yatra season is over for the year, and is unlikely to resume even next year given the destruction of the roads and bridges in the upper reaches. Several families will now fall below the poverty line. 

What will be the alternative sources of employment for the newly unemployed? Most likely we will see increased male outmigration from the region.

The floods in Uttarakhand have affected business to the very high tune and it will worsen in the coming months. It will take years to rebuild these small and micro enterprises. The losses to the informal sector enterprises and its workers could be far greater and more devastating. The small and medium enterprises are not only good local de-centralised engines of economic growth and markets but are also builders of social capital after a disaster. The disasters affect them more disproportionally and therefore relief and compensation need to pay more attention to their capital skills, and market needs. The months after a disaster are the most suitable to introduce new and structural changes in risk transfer practices and institutions. Such new changes will help in improving what seems to be a mixed performance in rescue and response after the floods. The efforts of local citizens and the army are extolled side by side with stories of neglect and delay. The anger and frustration will ebb and attention will turn towards the constructive challenge of designing and implementing new structural changes. It will also address the growing feeling among the local citizens that too much government attention is given to the rescue of tourists at their cost.

But the question is what does normalcy mean for the thousands of families whose entire livelihood assets – homes, fields and animals – have been swept away? What is normalcy for the thousands of families whose able-bodied bread earners have been killed in the floods? What is normalcy for the thousands of women and children who now have only a makeshift tent to shield them from the miseries of the monsoon? What is normalcy for the husband who has to find a path to a hospital with his pregnant wife on his back? What is normalcy for the farmers whose irrigation canals have been destroyed? What is normalcy for producers, shopkeepers or petty traders who can no longer access their markets? The people of Uttrakhand are left with no option except to adjust to the reality, to their “new normal”.

The nightmarish roar of millions of tonnes of boulders, rocks and soil hurtling down the mountainside and smashing everything in their path is the backdrop of the survivors’ lives now. That sound will never be erased from their memories. The monsoon is not over. Whenever it rains heavily in the mountains, it is now normal for men, women and children to lie awake trembling in fear that they might be the next victims. With their homes demolished, it is now normal for families living near forests to spend sleepless nights dreading an attack by wild animals. With their carefully hoarded supplies of dry wood gone, it is now normal for women to worry about how they will cook the next meal.

Happy Birthday to Our Alan Turing: Sanjay Sharma

It is not just a mere co incidence that sixteen years back on your birthday (9^th of April) I began my new journey at a place called The Century School. Nobody knew at that point of time that my seeds of failure, sown in that institute would blossom after 1.5 decades and I am overjoyed that it all started on your birthday.

I do not remember my first interaction with you but I do remember my first actual experience with “Computer” which was in your class. Being a day-boarder, I had an extra edge over other day scholars to learn computers and IT skills. You really helped in brushing up my knowledge of Computers especially of MS Office which is still imbibed in my mind as indelible patch.

With time, the relationship between you and me became sour and unpleasant because of your stringent attitude towards day boarders. I do not feel shy in accepting the fact that I along with few others hated every moment of your presence at that place. You would be surprised to know that at one point of time, beating you up was my only aim in life but please don’t worry, I do not have any such wild aims now.

It was difficult to realize the importance of your cruel behavior while studying there but I must admit that whatever you did to me (from beating up my buttocks with sticks to thrashing my face with your sturdy hands) in those years did benefit me in the later years of my life.  

I should reiterate one thing which I have acknowledged to my inner conscience but never confessed publicly.

While I was appearing in the exams for my present job at the Ministry of Labour and Employment, I had to undergo a computer proficiency test at the end. Traditionally government computer exams are typing tests which are meant to test how many words you can type in a minute but in my case, I had to appear for a comprehensive test of MS Word, MS PowerPoint and MS Excel. Surprisingly, I went unprepared for my computer proficiency test because more than me, I had a belief and trust in your extra ordinary computer teaching skills. Believe me I scored above 90 percent marks in all three tests.

Hence you have a reason to feel proud not just as a teacher but as a “Computer Teacher” as well.

This 9^th of April marks a very significant day in my life. I am gratified to share the day of my reincarnation with your birthday.

I wish you a very happy birthday along with a healthy and happy life ahead.

A student forever

Aashish Arora

The known Stranger..

She was staying in a five star hotel in Lutyens Delhi. Next morning, with my added punctilious behavior, I reached the hotel half an hour prior to the meeting time. I dialed her room’s number from the reception, told her about my arrival in hotel. She was little surprised to see a government official reaching the place before time. I could sense “I am taken aback” kind of feeling in her voice. I told her to take her time, finish her morning chores and meet me at the prefixed time.

Respecting the dignity of time and my presence before the actual time, she was there at the reception, exactly at the same time which was decided a day before. We both were strangers by this time but somehow I recognized her while she was marching down from the stairs to the reception.

I exclaimed her name, she turned towards me and said

“ Aashish ?”

I mumbled “Yes Aashish !”.

Just after the greetings, the procedural officialism began. I started briefing her about the institute, its functioning, administration, etc. After 10 mins of orientation with her, our Toyota Innova arrived and we decided to on-board it and continue our discussion in the car.

After coming out of the hotel area, our Toyota Innova pierced the depressed sunken fog which was floating near the ground. The driver inaugurated the series of discussion with us by initiating his queries regarding my job and further confining the discussion to taking directions for our destination. I asked him to use GPS because I didn’t want any other bothersome voices.

After driving for around 10 mins, we started defeating the chronology of history by travelling from ShahJahan road to PrithviRaj road and then to FerozShah road. We did a circumspect near the Mandi-House round-about, crossed FICCI, Sri Ram center on our left and exited on the 3rd-exit road towards Pragati Maidan.

It is always a great relief to come out of the puzzling road dilemmas of Lutyens Delhi. It was again a big sigh of relief for us to triumph over them.

We started flowing towards Purana Quila, crossed many giant gateways of Pragati Maidan. I briefed her about everything what ever came in our way, from the history of PrithviRaj Chauhan to the art of Purana Qila.

Traffic Signals (Red-lights) tested our patience on the road that day but they gave us plenty of time to interact more with each other. I happened to structure a good bond with her due to certain innate natural characteristics. She was from Canada and me being Punjabi was enough to jettison the initial take off for building an initial relationship between both of us.

After taking a brief ride from Indraprastha to Sarai-Kalekha, our Toyota Innova clutched an acute left turn to invade National Highway Number 24.

As the driver shifted the gear to topple the slow speed, our conversation also geared up to the issue of Indian Diaspora in the world. We shifted our attention to the enormous number of Punjabis living in Canada.

I threw a sarcastic one liner to lighten the mood further, I said “ Sometimes I feel, we Punjabis had migrated to Punjab from Canada” we both blew-out of sudden laughter .

As our car moved ahead, we crossed flood plains on our left. She was impressed with the sight of commonwealth games villages. Further, the opaque looking giant Akshardham temple started becoming discernible. 

She swiftly pointed out towards the peak of the temple and rend the air with 

“ Hey ! what’s that? ” , with full confidence,
I uttered “ It’s Akshardhan Temple ”.

Coincidentally, she had flown from Cambodia to India, a southeast Asian country which is famous for India’s cultural influence on its landmass and humongous AnkorWat temple. Akashdhan temple reminded her of AnkorWat. While passing over Akshardham temple on our left, we yielded an energetic discussion on History.

After we crossed Akshardham temple, our conversation started orbiting the low note. The sudden silence in the car troubled me. I started reviewing my every single word because I was warned to be extra cautious with my words. I did a thorough mental audit of my words but didn’t find any breach or error.

I started scrutinizing everything around to confirm whether she was comfortable or not but I could not decipher anything.

The moment we crossed Mayur Vihar Phase II traffic signal, all of a sudden, she focused her attention on her Right side. I didn’t disturb her spectacle eagle-eye-view towards the opposite road.

We crossed Trilokpuri flyover but there was no cleft in her silence. Eventually, she decided to cleave her bounded lips when we reached Gazipur Traffic signal.

She took her murky shades (Goggles) up from eyes, lifted them towards her snow-white forehead and made them settled at her scalp and screamed.

She : That is Amazing !

Me : What?

She : This —-> Pointing towards the opposite road

Me : I am not getting you. Please explain.

She : You know I have been to Egypt, Cambodia and many other countries but never experienced this.

Me : (Still Confused) Yeah but what ?

She : You know a country’s roads are also one of the parameters of its development ?

Me : Okay ! but what’s so special here?

She : I have never seen this before Aashish. A National Highway with a parking lot !

Me : What ? That’s not parking ! It’s traffic jam. Vehicles are stand-still due to traffic jam.

She : What ? really ?

M : Yes

The driver, me and she, all three of us, died in the laughter...

The "Wrong Window" Moment !

15th August, 2016 - Independence Day

My family decided to celebrate the Independence Day in an exclusively religious fashion.

After feverish arguments, My dad and his sister (Bhua), Me and my sister and My mom and her sister (Maasi), all six of us drove to Haridwar (A holy town in the Indian state of Uttarakhand) to sanitize ourselves from sins.

We managed to infringe a “square foot” of place at Har-ki-Powri in that madness to keep our clothes and belongings. My father, commander in chief, instructed everyone to go one by one for dipping in the holy Ganges.

But my mom and maasi didn’t pay him any attention. They both down-trended those stairs in the over excitement. I saw both of them drenching in the river. After a while I lost their sight.

Ignoring my father’s iron-fisted directions, I decided to slump towards the river. While standing on the last few stairs, I started searching my mom and maasi in the river. After a while, I saw my massi in green (could only see her back) trying to take rapid dips in the river.

(Image Source : Google and It is for representative purpose only)

Without realizing anything, I ran into the water to surprise her by thumping her on the back and

“BAMMMMMMMMMMMM”

I thumped her on the back with spattering water. She screamed and turned towards me and gave a grave look.

It tuned out that She wasn’t my Massi.

In blink of an eye, I sank myself in the water for next 15–20 seconds and Sanitized my all sins.

P.S- My maasi also wore a green T-shirt that day.

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The Big Wrong Window Moment !

Ms Anita Arora : A Perennial Blessing

My parents decided to send me to a boarding school at the every early age of my life, the age where I didn’t know how to clean my muddy pieces of poop. 

The reason was very simple, they had realized my phenomenal potential in failing in each and every exam even in Kindergartens.

In my boarding school, fortuitously, I was blessed with exceptional teachers who saw the hidden potential in me. The year when I was enrolled there, I didn’t even know the plain basics of English. My Mathematical skills were so shaky and fragile that I could collapse easily anytime while looking at any maths equation and whenever I was asked to communicate in English, I felt like a living corpse because I couldn’t say or speak anything but then I was blessed with a matchless and an exceptional English Teacher Ms Anita Arora.

Ms Arora shared the same surname as mine, was no doubt an extremely ruthless, merciless and even bloodthirsty teacher in the class whenever it came to English. She was a grammar Nazi. Since the very beginning, she never gave me any chance to defend myself against my weak English skills and arguing with her was calling for a self-invited “reprimand”.

She taught me English (as English teacher) till the last day of my stay in the school. In all those years, she always motivated us to learn English but at the same time she maintained a good balance by  never giving me good marks even when I answered things correctly.

The cost of defending own self was dealt with heavy castigation from her.

I always learnt new things from her. She was a remarkable teacher but I could never understand her unusual behavior for me since the very beginning.

In our 3rd Pre boards in 10th class (Yes, we did have many versions of pre boards) I scored exceptionally well.  My confidence grew since those days and I stood as the 2nd topper of my class in English for 12th Boards scoring 90 plus marks in that subject. 

Last year, I was fortunate enough to visit our school for an alumni meet where she said 

" You are a real gem for all of us " 

I want to tell her that I was just a piece of coal who was polished so hard by teachers like her in that school and because of her only, I could manage to write/speak/understand this much of English. 

That was the day when I realized why she never gave me good marks....! 

I hope you get to read this ma'am.

Sincerely 

Your Student Forever

Aashish

 P. S - This is the copy of my answer sheet where she has given me the highest marks in English ever in my school history. I have never returned this to her. :)

An Ugly Conversation

Prologue: An old lady died few years back. We all gathered for her funeral ceremony.

An year before her death, the old lady’s granddaughter (Let’s call her Kathrine) had tied the knot with the man of her dreams. 

Kathrine was informed about the natural demise of her grandmother on the same morning.

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Kathrine was supposed to attend the funeral due to moral as well as family's obligation. In that sweaty afternoon, everyone was waiting for Kathrine’s arrival.

Everything was put on stand-by mode. The funeral ceremony was lingered only for her, to have the last glimpse of her grandmother.

By putting extraordinary efforts in waiting and showcasing high amount of patience in the delay of her arrival, everyone started anticipating the reasons for her absentia.

Eventually,  Kathrine’s mother broke out from somewhere and announced
“ Kathrine will not be joining the funeral ceremony due to her pregnancy”.

Meanwhile, in that crowded hurdle of people, two boys joined the conversation too. One of those two, unaware of her mother’s presence and her announcement, spat the murderous words which left everyone speechless.

Boy 1 : “WTF, she should have had informed earlier if she wasn’t coming” !

Boy 2 : ” What happen?”

Boy 1 : “ She isn’t coming because she is pregnant”

Boy 2 : “ Oh kay ! ”

Boy 1 : “ Wait a minute, I have been listening about her pregnancy for more than an year now but she hasn’t delivered till yet ”.

Boy 2 : “ What ? is she delivering a baby or a Kangaroo?”

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Polygot Background Voices Echoed :

Kuteya sharam Kaarle ( Bloody Dog, Have some shame at least)

Lodh gaya moya ( Bloody Idiot)

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P. S -

Boy 1 was my friend

Boy 2 was the writer of this answer.